You might hear a compliment and immediately assume the person is just being polite. You might make a mistake and remember only that in the evening, despite everything else you did that day. When exploring how to build self-esteem, this everyday relationship with yourself is a useful place to begin. A steadier sense of worth lets you recognise your limitations and learn without treating every setback as proof that you are worth less.
What are you judging when you judge yourself?
Self-esteem is your overall view of yourself and your worth. Confidence in particular abilities can vary: someone may speak confidently in meetings but feel hesitant about starting a new hobby. That alone does not mean they have low self-esteem. Difficulties grow when ‘I cannot do this’ becomes ‘I am useless’, and self-respect depends on the latest achievement, your appearance or other people's approval.
The NHS information on self-esteem highlights how early experiences, other people's expectations, stress and difficult life events can affect it. Still, searching for one single cause is not always helpful. It matters to understand what is happening now: when you judge yourself most harshly and what conditions you place on feeling good enough.
Losing a job, illness or a changing role in the family can unsettle how you see yourself even after a calm period. At such times, it can help to broaden the question: what do your curiosity, honesty and ability to ask for help say about you, alongside your productivity? Your life includes more than one role.
Why putting yourself down can persist despite recognition
When the belief ‘I am not good enough’ becomes deeply established, your mind may select events that seem to confirm it. Praise is attributed to luck, while criticism is accepted as the real truth. You may then prepare for longer, hide uncertainties or avoid taking part altogether. In the model described by the Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI), avoidance and excessive safety behaviours can maintain a negative belief because there are fewer opportunities to test it.
Imagine a hypothetical situation: you have a question in a meeting but stay silent because you fear looking uninformed. Nobody criticises you, but you attribute your relief to keeping quiet. Speaking up becomes even harder next time. One first step might be to write down this sequence: what happened, what you decided about yourself, what you felt and what you gave up as a result.
One recent incident is enough. If you try to review every mistake in your life, observation can turn into another trial of your own character. When analysis no longer leads towards a decision, it can help to learn more about repetitive thoughts that go round in circles.
Keep the information in self-criticism, not the verdict
Letting go of putting yourself down does not mean considering everything you do acceptable. You can acknowledge harm, apologise and change your behaviour without making a mistake your identity. The difference lies in whether your inner feedback helps you identify a next step. The following sentences are hypothetical examples.
| Putting yourself down | Specific, respectful feedback to yourself |
|---|---|
| ‘I always ruin everything.’ | ‘I made a calculation error this time. I will check the figures and correct it.’ |
| ‘If I ask for help, I am weak.’ | ‘I need more knowledge for this task. I can ask for advice and learn.’ |
| ‘I have nothing to say. I am boring.’ | ‘It was hard to join in today. Next time I can ask one question.’ |
Choose a phrase you often use about yourself and change it so it contains the fact, the circumstances and a possible action. If the new sentence sounds too optimistic, start more modestly: ‘I am judging myself very harshly right now. I do not yet have the whole picture.’ You do not have to immediately believe the opposite image of yourself.
When someone else gives you feedback, you can also separate its content from the way it is delivered. In a hypothetical example, a colleague says your explanation was unclear. You can ask where information was missing and fill in the gap. That does not justify concluding that you cannot communicate at all. If feedback is vague or demeaning, you do not have to automatically accept it as an accurate description of you just because it was delivered confidently.
When other people's lives become a measure of your worth
Comparison can give you ideas, but it becomes painful when another person's achievement automatically implies a shortcoming in you. On social media, you often see a selected result, while you know your own life with its doubts, bills and lack of sleep. That makes the terms of the comparison unequal.
In a meta-analysis of experimental studies, exposure to content featuring idealised people or people perceived as better off was associated, on average, with poorer self-evaluations and emotional wellbeing. These studies examined particular comparison situations; they do not prove that all social media affects everyone equally negatively.
For a few days, try noticing which content leads you to belittle yourself. You could mute a particular account and observe the difference. Then ask what you actually envy: closeness, time for creativity, financial security? The answer may help you choose a direction that matters to you instead of racing against someone else's timetable. For more on when browsing supports connection and when it drains you, read social media and mental health beyond the myths.
Other people's judgements also affect close relationships. If you constantly try to please others to avoid losing their approval, you can read more about declining requests and feeling guilty in why saying ‘no’ feels so hard.
Small experiments can change more than another promise
A useful experiment lets you test a specific fear. CCI's self-help materials suggest stating your prediction in advance, trying a chosen behaviour and comparing your expectation with what happened. Choose a manageable situation that involves no real threat to your safety or significant irreversible consequences.
A hypothetical example: you would like to try pottery but think you will be mocked for not knowing how. Instead of demanding that you feel brave, you could sign up for one beginners' class. Afterwards, assess specific details: did anyone mock you, how did the teacher respond, and could you tolerate an imperfect result? If the experience was unpleasant, examine the particular events without drawing a conclusion about your entire worth.
Notice the things you usually dismiss, too. CCI recommends connecting positive qualities with specific everyday examples. A hypothetical entry might read: ‘I returned to a difficult conversation and listened; I showed patience.’ This is about gathering a fuller picture, not creating another achievement chart. An activity can also be valuable for the experience itself; read more in the article on everyday activities as self-care.
Self-compassion starts with a tone you can tolerate
If you have motivated yourself through pressure for years, gentleness may feel unfamiliar. You do not need to force yourself to repeat grand declarations of self-love. You could begin with a respectful tone: ‘This hurts because it mattered. What could help me now?’ Compassion includes acknowledging difficulty and responding with care, including taking responsibility.
In Wakelin and colleagues' systematic review and meta-analysis, interventions aimed at developing self-compassion reduced self-criticism on average compared with control conditions. Study quality and participant groups varied, and results were more modest when compared with active interventions. One exercise is therefore no guarantee and does not replace individually tailored support.
It is also worth revisiting the rule ‘I can rest only when everything is done’. CCI's material on adjusting rigid rules encourages you to take circumstances and limited capacity into account. On a harder day, a smaller workload can be a reasonable choice. Self-respect should not become a reward you receive only when your energy is already gone.
At the end of the week, you could briefly review one experiment: what did you notice, what was too hard, and what would you like to repeat on a smaller scale? If keeping notes increases pressure, leave them aside and talk through your experience with someone you trust. The aim is not to perform self-esteem exercises perfectly. What matters more is gradually building an everyday life in which you can make mistakes, rest and take part without waiting for definitive approval from others.
When to seek help with self-esteem
It is worth seeking support when putting yourself down persists, makes you withdraw from relationships or opportunities, interferes with work, or turns self-help into another reason to blame yourself. If marked sadness, anxiety, or changes in sleep or eating are present too, these difficulties also need consideration. You do not have to improve your self-esteem on your own before you deserve support. If paid consultations are currently out of reach and you live in Lithuania, contact your mental health centre: according to the National Health Insurance Fund, these services are free for registered patients covered by compulsory health insurance, and no referral is required.
In an individual consultation, you can explore specific episodes of self-criticism, their history and changes that suit you. Psychologist Iveta Litvinienė offers online consultations; you can learn how a session works on the online psychological consultations page. If people around you repeatedly humiliate you, it is also important to discuss the conditions within those relationships. You do not need to learn to tolerate being put down better.
Progress may show up in very ordinary changes: noticing a harsh thought, recovering sooner after a mistake or accepting help. A steadier sense of worth still leaves room for doubts. What matters is that they increasingly lose the power to decide what you are worth and what you allow yourself to experience.
Questions about self-esteem and self-criticism
How is self-esteem different from self-confidence?
Self-esteem concerns your overall sense of worth, while self-confidence is more often about your ability to do a particular task. You can feel unsure while learning to drive and still respect yourself. Equally, you may do your job very well but feel worthwhile only when someone praises you.
Is low self-esteem a mental health disorder?
Low self-esteem is not a diagnosis in itself. It can be a difficulty on its own or accompany depression, anxiety and other problems. When considering support, what matters is how long it has lasted, what other symptoms are present and how it affects your everyday life.
What if positive statements about myself feel untrue?
Choose a sentence you can believe at least partly. Instead of ‘I can do anything’, you might say ‘I am still learning this and can ask for clarification’. A specific fact can help: something you tried, learned or did to look after yourself, even if the result was imperfect.
How can I accept a compliment without immediately dismissing it?
You can start with a simple ‘thank you’. You do not need to feel proud straight away or agree completely with the praise. Notice the urge to say ‘it was nothing’, and let the positive feedback remain one view of you that does not need to be immediately disproved.
Will letting go of self-criticism reduce my motivation?
You can keep your goals and sense of responsibility while changing how you speak to yourself. Useful feedback identifies a specific action you can change. Putting yourself down turns a setback into a judgement of your whole self. A gentler tone does not mean you no longer need to acknowledge or correct mistakes.
Do I need to delete social media to compare myself less?
Not necessarily. First notice which content, circumstances and moods encourage you to put yourself down. You could mute a few accounts, check reactions less often and set aside time to connect with people. Assess whether a change helps you, rather than applying the same ban to every platform.
How long does it take to build self-esteem?
There is no single timescale. Change is influenced by how long the difficulties have lasted, your surroundings, other emotional difficulties and the support you receive. An early sign of progress might be spending less time blaming yourself after a mistake, or trying one activity. The return of doubts does not mean all your effort was worthless.
Can I discuss self-esteem with a psychologist online?
Yes. Self-criticism, your sense of worth and recurring patterns of behaviour can be explored in an individual online consultation. In the first conversation, it can help to describe a specific situation in which you put yourself down and what you would like to change. Psychologist Iveta Litvinienė offers individual online consultations.
Sources and further reading
- NHS. Raising low self-esteem: self-esteem, related difficulties and support options.
- Centre for Clinical Interventions. Improving Self-Esteem, Module 3: How Low Self-Esteem Is Maintained.
- Centre for Clinical Interventions. Improving Self-Esteem, Module 4: Biased Expectations.
- Centre for Clinical Interventions. Improving Self-Esteem, Module 6: Accepting Yourself.
- Centre for Clinical Interventions. Improving Self-Esteem, Module 7: Adjusting Rules and Assumptions.
- Wakelin, K. E., Perman, G. and Simonds, L. M. Effectiveness of self-compassion-related interventions for reducing self-criticism: A systematic review and meta-analysis (2021, online publication).
- McComb, C. A., Vanman, E. J. and Tobin, S. J. (2023). A Meta-Analysis of the Effects of Social Media Exposure to Upward Comparison Targets on Self-Evaluations and Emotions.
You can speak about yourself with respect
If changing familiar patterns of self-criticism feels difficult on your own, we can begin with one situation that matters to you.
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