Grew up in a family where a parent drank? “Adult children of alcoholics” is an established term, and the name of peer-support fellowships, for a shared experience: a childhood shaped by a parent’s drinking. It is not a diagnosis of you or your parent. Research links such a childhood with higher risks of some difficulties, yet a substantial proportion of people raised this way adapt and develop good mental health.
This guide is for adults wondering how a parent’s drinking still affects their relationships, wellbeing or own drinking. An individual online consultation in English offers space to explore this at your own pace, without involving your parents. It is not addiction treatment.
Adult children of alcoholics: a shared experience, not a diagnosis
The phrase spread through popular 1980s books such as Janet Geringer Woititz’s “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (1983), now also published in Lithuanian.
Their trait lists, from difficulty relaxing to harsh self-judgement, feel personal to many readers. In 1992, Logue, Sher and Frensch asked 224 people to rate invented profiles made of vague, near-universal statements or supposed adult-children traits. People with and without a drinking parent rated every profile as highly self-descriptive, which the authors linked to the Barnum effect: vague statements feel personal. A 1995 study of Woititz’s characteristics among 442 students found they fitted those with an alcoholic parent no better than their peers. Recognising yourself in a list is real, but the list cannot diagnose you.
What research says about growing up with a parent’s drinking
The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) count household substance use problems among adverse childhood experiences. In a 2002 CDC study of 9,346 adults by Anda and colleagues, the 20% reporting parental alcohol abuse were more likely to have faced abuse, parental separation and other adversities. Alcoholism was more common among them at every level of adversity, but their link with depression was explained by the other adversities.
S. L. Harter’s 2000 review of controlled studies found higher risks of substance misuse, depressive symptoms, anxiety disorders, low self-esteem and family difficulties. Yet none of these outcomes was universal among adult children of alcoholics or unique to them, and there was little evidence for a specific syndrome.
A 2017 systematic review by German researchers notes that a substantial proportion of children whose parents have alcohol or drug use disorders adapt and show positive mental health development. Secure attachment to a parent was the most consistent protective factor, though not proven to be causal. What surrounded the drinking, and who kept you safe, matters too.
If you grew up in Lithuania, your story sits within a wider pattern: the WHO notes that the country had some of Europe’s highest alcohol-attributable death rates over two decades, since reduced by tighter policy.
What may carry into adult life
These are possibilities, not symptoms. Not every adult child of an alcoholic will recognise them, and some may once have helped you cope. The examples are composites.
“I read the room before anything else”
If evenings depended on a parent’s drinking, you may have learnt to decode every tone of voice, and may still scan other people’s moods when nothing is wrong.
“I feel responsible for everyone”
Some children calm a parent, cover for them or look after siblings. In a 2007 study, female students raised with a parent’s drinking reported more such role reversal. Later, saying no can bring guilt; see why saying no feels so hard.
“I don’t trust it when things are calm”
Broken promises can teach you to distrust calm. A study of 634 couples over four years of marriage linked parental alcoholism with lower marital satisfaction or intimacy, depending on which parent drank. These are averages, not forecasts; see attachment styles in relationships.
“In an argument I go quiet or explode”
If arguments at home ended in shouting or threats, disagreement may still feel dangerous. Some people fall silent, others flare up; pausing until your body settles can be practised.
“I have never told anyone”
If drinking was a family secret, silence may still feel safest. The UK charity Nacoa stresses that the effects can continue into adulthood whether or not the parent still drinks. Telling one trusted person can be a first step.
“I am my own harshest critic”
A child looking for reasons why home feels bad may blame themselves, and that self-blame can become a harsh inner critic in adulthood. Our guide on how to build self-esteem may help.
If a partner’s drinking now shapes your home life, read what is yours to carry when a partner drinks too much.
When your parent is still drinking
You decide how to relate to a parent who still drinks, from how often you meet to whether you take a break, and you can revisit it.
A boundary you can carry out yourself
Invented illustration: “I’ll come for Sunday lunch. If you’ve been drinking, I’ll leave and ring you tomorrow.” It describes your action, not your parent’s behaviour, so you can keep it whatever they do.
Forgiveness is optional: some people forgive in time, some keep their distance, and others feel love, anger and pity at once.
If a parent’s drinking is a problem now, Lithuania’s Republican Centre for Addictive Disorders (RPLC) offers services for relatives of people with addiction (page in Lithuanian), including a free social-worker consultation; psychologist and CRAFT consultations are paid. For contact and guilt, see setting boundaries with parents as an adult.
Practical steps you can take now
Notice one repeating pattern
Note a recent moment: what happened, what you felt, what you did and what you needed. Over a few weeks, triggers may emerge: a raised voice, a late reply, someone else’s glass of wine.
Compare notes with a sibling
Siblings may remember the same childhood differently. You need not agree on one version to share experiences or settle practical matters, such as who visits your parents.
Look at your own drinking without fear
Vulnerability is partly inherited: NIAAA puts heritability at about 60% and says parents’ drinking patterns may also play a part. That is not your personal chance of a problem, and Nacoa notes that not all children of alcoholics drink like their parents. If alcohol is becoming your way to switch off, see where to get help with alcohol in Lithuania (in Lithuanian).
Talk more openly with your own children
Nacoa suggests that breaking the “don’t talk” rule may be the most important change a parent can make. Explain simply why a grandparent sometimes behaves differently, and never leave children alone with an adult who has been drinking.
Finding support in Lithuania and online
SAV (Suaugę alkoholikų vaikai, “adult children of alcoholics”) is a Lithuanian Twelve Step fellowship for people raised in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families. No fees are required, newcomers need not register, and its meeting list covers several cities and online groups, in Lithuanian. It is peer support, not treatment.
The list also shows an ACA group in Vilnius described in English, marked temporarily closed when checked on 10 October 2026. ACA’s international meeting search filters online meetings by language. Fellowship literature often mentions the “inner child”; see what the inner child means.
Al-Anon Lithuania serves relatives and friends of people with alcoholism, which may suit you if a parent still drinks. Its introductory pages do not single out adult children, but Nacoa lists Al-Anon among the groups where adult children meet others with similar experiences.
The state-maintained Pagalba sau portal has a section for adults whose parents drink or use drugs (in Lithuanian). If a paid session is out of reach, see free psychological support in Lithuania, or compare a psychologist, psychotherapist and psychiatrist.
Your childhood explains a lot, but it does not decide everything. One observation, conversation or boundary is enough to begin.
Your questions
Questions you may still have
Is being an “adult child of an alcoholic” a diagnosis?
No. It is a widely used term for a shared childhood experience and the name of peer-support fellowships. Research has not confirmed a distinct “adult children of alcoholics” syndrome: higher risks of some difficulties have been found, but they do not appear in everyone. Anxiety, low mood or relationship problems deserve an individual conversation rather than a checklist.
Is Janet Woititz’s book Adult Children of Alcoholics worth reading?
It may help you put words to your experience for the first time, so it can be a reasonable starting point for reflection. Its characteristics came from work with clinical groups, however, and later studies did not find that they set adult children of alcoholics apart from their peers. Read it as a prompt for thinking rather than a test of who you are.
If my parent was an alcoholic, will I become one too?
Not necessarily. Your risk may be higher, because vulnerability is partly inherited and family drinking patterns can also play a part. Yet not everyone who grew up with a drinking parent follows the same path: some people choose not to drink, while others drink socially. Notice what alcohol does for you, and talk to a doctor if your drinking increases or becomes your main way of coping.
Do I have to forgive my parent?
No. Forgiveness may come with time, but it is not a requirement for feeling better. You can acknowledge what happened, feel love and anger at once, and choose closer contact or more distance. Being pushed to forgive quickly can mean setting aside what genuinely hurt. Decisions about contact are yours, and you can revisit them as circumstances change.
What is the difference between ACA and Al-Anon?
ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) groups, and the Lithuanian fellowship SAV, are for adults who grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families and focus on the effects of that childhood. Al-Anon is for relatives and friends affected by someone else’s drinking, so it may suit you if a parent still drinks. Both offer peer support rather than therapy.
Can I find support in English in Lithuania?
Lithuanian peer-support groups publish their information in Lithuanian. SAV’s meeting list includes an ACA group in Vilnius described in English, but it was marked as temporarily closed when checked on 10 October 2026. ACA’s international meeting search lets you filter online meetings by language. Iveta also offers individual online consultations in English for people aged 16 and over.
How can I talk to my children about their grandparent’s drinking?
Keep it simple, honest and suited to their age, and avoid asking them to keep adult secrets. For example: “Grandad sometimes drinks too much, so on those days we don’t visit. That’s a grown-up problem, not yours.” This is only an illustration. What matters most is that children are never left in the care of an adult who has been drinking.
Is counselling worth it if my parent has stopped drinking or died?
It can be, if your childhood still affects your relationships, wellbeing or choices. Nacoa notes that these effects can continue whether or not the parent is still drinking. Counselling can make room for what happened and for what matters now, even if a conversation with your parent is no longer possible. Grief for what you did not receive can also be part of the work.
Sources and further information
- Lithuanian Emergency Response Centre. Number 112Lithuanian guidance on when to call 112, including violence, an unresponsive person, breathing difficulty and a suspected suicide attempt. Updated 21 February 2024; checked 10 October 2026.
- Pagalba sau. Emotional support linesLithuanian directory of support lines, who they serve and their hours. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Logue, Sher and Frensch (1992). Purported characteristics of adult children of alcoholics: a possible “Barnum effect”Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. 224 participants rated all invented profiles as highly self-descriptive, regardless of family background. Abstract checked 10 October 2026.
- Havey, Boswell and Romans (1995). The relationship of self-perception and stress in adult children of alcoholics and their peersJournal of Drug Education. Woititz’s generalisations did not distinguish a sample of 442 students. Checked 10 October 2026.
- CDC. About Adverse Childhood ExperiencesHousehold substance use problems are listed among adverse childhood experiences. Page dated 2 March 2026; checked 10 October 2026.
- Anda et al. (2002). Adverse childhood experiences, alcoholic parents, and later risk of alcoholism and depressionPsychiatric Services. Study of 9,346 adults; alcoholism and depression risk. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Harter (2000). Psychosocial adjustment of adult children of alcoholics: a review of the recent empirical literatureClinical Psychology Review. Elevated risks, but no outcome is universal or specific. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Wlodarczyk et al. (2017). Protective mental health factors in children of parents with alcohol and drug use disordersPLoS ONE systematic review on adaptation and protective factors. Checked 10 October 2026.
- WHO. Alcohol control policies in Lithuania and decreasing mortalityCountry story in the WHO Results Report for 2022 and 2023: alcohol-attributable deaths and policy changes. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Kelley et al. (2007). Parentification and family responsibility in the family of origin of adult children of alcoholicsAddictive Behaviors. Comparison of 103 and 233 female students. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Kearns-Bodkin and Leonard (2008). Relationship functioning among adult children of alcoholicsJournal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs. 634 couples followed over the first four years of marriage. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Nacoa. Help and advice for adultsEffects can continue into adulthood; support groups. UK contact numbers are not reproduced. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Nacoa. FAQs for adultsOwn drinking and raising children differently. Checked 10 October 2026.
- NIAAA. Understanding Alcohol Use DisorderHeritability and parents’ drinking patterns as risk factors. Updated January 2025; checked 10 October 2026.
- Pagalba sau. Alcohol dependenceLithuanian page listing addiction counsellors, public health bureaus and RPLC branches. Checked 10 October 2026.
- RPLC. Services for relativesLithuanian information on social-worker, psychologist and CRAFT consultations for relatives of people with addiction, and which are paid. Checked 10 October 2026.
- SAV. About SAVLithuanian description of the fellowship, its membership requirement and voluntary contributions. Checked 10 October 2026.
- SAV. MeetingsLithuanian list of in-person and online meetings. Times and contacts are not reproduced. Checked 10 October 2026.
- ACA World Service Organization. Meeting searchInternational search with online, telephone and language filters. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Al-Anon Lithuania. About Al-AnonLithuanian peer-support fellowship for relatives and friends; voluntary contributions. Checked 10 October 2026.
- Pagalba sau. For adults whose parents use alcohol or drugsLithuanian section prepared with NTAKD and RPLC. Checked 10 October 2026.
This guide provides general information and does not replace an individual assessment. Illustrations do not depict actual clients.